7 Things I Know About Grief And Saying Goodbye 
On New Year’s Eve day, we got the lab results back in a very early morning phone call from my vet’s office telling me what I already knew.. my sweet little yorkie Sailor was not well. He’d had surgery for cancer over 6 months ago and they’d not been able to get all of it. He’d done really well, robust and playful and so much himself until he started drinking a lot and losing weight and I woke up knowing the day before the labs came back that I was going to be facing another excruciating loss. My first dog Campbell had been taken by coyotes less than 18 months ago and when Sailor was diagnosed, knowing this time would come, some part of me shifted. We quickly made the decision that morning that we would spare Sailor more medical interventions. He’d been through so much last summer, and with two serious illnesses now plaguing him, I didn’t want him to suffer.. at all. My lovely vet and my dear friend Matt her assistant came to my house on New Year’s Eve and Sailor transitioned with all of us with him.. very peacefully. I was heartbroken.
When I was 14 my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer.. but he somehow managed to hang on for 9 years longer than anyone expected. Those were very hard years. I was young and ill equipped to be in the energy of death and dying for so long. It changed who I am and how I attune to things. My fears of loss are bigger and these show up in various ways that aren’t always obvious but that haunt me.
In the past few years alone, I’ve had to say goodbye to 3 of my most beloved dogs, a client I adored, and I can see the effects of this in me and on my nervous system. I have not always done well with it but here is what I have learned.
1. There will be crying.. tears… are definitely a flushing and are a necessary release of pain and energy. You’re better off if you cry.
2. You may be surprised at how fragile you feel once you leave your house. What feels manageable at home, when you are cocooned and can keep things rather small, can feel a bit woozy when you emerge. Be prepared and take it slowly.. be patient with yourself as you acclimate to the level of grief moving through you.
3. It really does take time.. more than you want it to. The more traumatic the loss, the longer it takes. The more complicated the relationship.. same thing. And grief comes in waves. You can be fine and then it can hit you between the eyes when you get a small whiff of your beloved in some unexpected way or place. It’s visceral. Let it come up and move through.. you’ll feel better, it will pass.
4. It’s worse at night. My mind will find the most excruciating pieces to latch onto when I am in that most vulnerable near-sleep state. I think our brains need to try to digest what is so unimaginable and will try to wrestle some of these painful heartbreaking images over and over until we can somehow manage them a bit. They can be repetitive and distressing and if you really start to lose sleep or find yourself in a depressive funk, please don’t wait, get some real support so you don’t become further depleted or challenged.
5. Grief is like a magnet. It has a way of going back and gathering every other loss that has come before and laying all of them at your feet in a big mess. Grief and loss compound each other and if there are any loose ends from any earlier losses, you will be asked to feel these and find some resolution. We don’t get to skip over any of it. You will be better for facing it…nobody wants to, believe me I get that. I never want to. But you have to begin to set yourself free. Crying, telling the stories to friends or therapists, writing goodbye letters are essential and good for you. You absolutely must move it through. These things don’t go away.. they stay stuck in your body, in your cells, making mischief.
6. Somebody once told me that all of our emotional struggles, pains, conflicts came from a “refusal to grieve”… think about it. When you refuse to grieve, what are you saying no to? What are you refusing to do, to feel, to acknowledge? This will absolutely not serve you, this I know for sure.. on every level, and from deeply known experience. Seriously. Do what you need to do.
7. This too shall pass. Even during the worst moments of our life, when we cannot imagine ever feeling better, we will. If we attend to what we must and let the grief well up and express and move through. If we pay tribute to the deep love and attachment and the wrenching horrific sorrow and loss that we feel when we are left alone without the one we love…it will pass. We know that intellectually it’s part of life.. not the part we want or like but it’s essential. We can’t have the life without the death and that is the kicker.
I am grieving today. I woke up from a night longing for my little Sailor and facing another day without the millions of moments where he is supposed to be. I am still weepy and fragile. I am grateful for the love around me and for my other dogs who need my care. I have been in this place before and will be again.
If you wish, take a minute to tell me about your experiences with loss.. what got you through, what it was like for you.
With love from my heart to yours-
Deborah Badran says
Precious Lisa, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I send you my love and compassion. I honor your loss and grieving as I know it is so profound. We are blessed with these precious angels for a time and then they keep us company in spirit. Be so gentle with yourself and remember to nurture yourself.
admin says
Deborah my friend, thank you and I am grateful for you. I know you know what it’s like to love our animals so deeply, we are so alike in that way. Sending love back to you and I am in my little hearth-and-home-cocoon for now waiting it out for the most part.. emerging here and there but mostly staying close to my family and Violet and Pansy for now. Much love to you my friend.. stay well and YOU nurture yourself please!! xox Lisa
Melanie McGhee says
Dear, I’m so sorry to hear about Sailor. And, as you said, you’ve been here before and will be again.
One of the things I come back to over and again is a kind of solace in the knowing that grief is one of the things that unites us. We all have lost or will lose someone we love and in that loss we will grieve. Grief is the great leveler.
One other point about grief is that it seems to bring of remnants of the grief felt from other losses, at least that’s my experience.
Know I’m thinking of you as you move gently with yourself through this time.
admin says
Melanie my friend, thank you for this.. and yes to all of it. Grief does absolutely move beyond all bounds and unite us all quickly. We all know too well the pain and can quickly feel compassion for somebody in the throes of it all. It brings out the best in us when we see another going through loss. So that is the upside, and I’m glad you reminded me. Grateful for your words and kindness. Love from my heart to yours … Lisa
Maureen Harmonay says
Lisa, thank you for mustering all of your courage to share your raw, heartfelt emotions and advice with all of us who have been through the fire of losing a deeply beloved animal and wonder how we will ever get through it. There is no way around it; it hurts in a way that most of us cannot describe, but you so eloquently did.
admin says
Hi Maureen- thank you for that. Those of us who love and adore our animals are deeply connected in the good times and the not…until I got Campbell, my first real pet, I really had no idea how much I would be capable of loving all of these sweet yorkies who’ve come to live with me and changed me and my family. Thank you for being part of our experiences. I feel Sailor in every corner. Much love to you, Lisa
Roberta Gray says
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for letting others know of your grief over the loss of sweet Sailor. Boy do I understand the devastating pain of loss and my heart goes out to you. It does HURT so much especially when you LOVE so deeply and I sense that to be true of you.
Here is what I know to be true Dear Lisa, LIFE GOES ON! I understand the fact that Sailor has left his little body from this place his soul is very much alive and very much with you! I honor that the physical separation is so difficult for those of us left to continue the rest of our journey here but that love in your heart for Sailor and anyone else you adore will NEVER DIE. Talk to him, ask him to send you signs of his presence and most of all let yourself feel his love and his gratitude for the time he had with you. You were and amazing MOM to him and I hope you honor that about yourself. This life is a passing place for ALL even our beloved flowers we enjoy so much. Somehow we need to learn to love with our hearts wide open knowing that NOTHING lasts forever. If we can be more accepting that life is a passing thing for all of us then maybe we can find a deeper commitment to be PRESENT in the NOW. To learn to be present in this moment means we get to take in all the blessings we have and be “fed” by that. Ironic I know to use that word but I think that is a connection to what are “hungry” for…to actually get to TASTE the beauty in THIS moment but not HOLD ON so tightly because it will always change. Most of us hold on so tight because we don’t trust that we will have what we want or need in the next moment if we let go and allow life to flow. It is so interesting to me that just before I read your post I did a journal entry on TRUST and how life is like a river, always moving and yet we resist that.
I honor your strength to share with others the steps you know to be true in your grieving process to help others be more prepared for it. It is who you are. I hope you can take in the love that is all around you now and let that lift you as you pass through this time of heartache. Please remember, Sailor is around you and wants for you to feel his love and gratitude and let him lift you as well. Much love, Roberta
admin says
Hi Roberta- thank you for your beautiful observations and remarks. I agree that we heal so much by learning to live in present-time, and taking in everything that is there for us while letting it flow as it must. I feel Sailor everywhere and have no doubt he is with me.. we are connected in every way. Love and blessings to you, Lisa