There was a lot of drama in my yoga class tonite. In my head. Oh lordy what a crazy mess was going on behind the scenes in there. I’ll try to make it funny but truly I am embarrassed to admit how crazy it was .. it.. meaning me.
I had not been to yoga in months. Somehow my beautiful twice weekly yoga class practice with a little on the side around the house had unraveled…which means ended, if we’re being honest. When I tell you every single Sunday morning, every single Monday evening, and some Thursday afternoons I move through some level of debate about whether to go back to my yoga classes, I ain’t kidding. And not once have I gone. And there were some good reasons (I was in the hospital in December.. that’s a decent reason, right?!) and some other things but mostly the more I didn’t go the more afraid I was of going.
And doesn’t it almost always come back to some form of perfectionism (for me.. anyways) that screws everything up. That I”m not this-enough or that-enough, or I need more time so I can try to get back to being those things again…honestly it can be tiring being me. Plus… anything that takes place late afternoon to evening if I am already in my house and have to leave.. well that’s a whole other level of challenge for this happily-working-reading-doing-whatever-by-the-fire-person. So months have gone by without yoga. Occasionally after I work out in the morning, which thankfully I do pretty much no matter what most days of the week most days of my life, I’ve done a few downward dogs and some half-assed stretches.
After noticing how incredibly tight my lower back was this week, and how tight my 50-something hips felt, and how much less flexible I am lately and feeling another birthday bearing down on me, I knew my body was really missing what only yoga or tai chi or chi gong has been able to do for me. So today, I did everything I needed to do to ensure that I returned to the 6 pm class (the “easy” class.. the only one I dared take first). And it was truly grace that I got to class.
But it wasn’t pretty. I did not love my body so much and there was a LOT of noise going on in my head during class.. a lot of judgment about how much flexibility I’d lost, about how hard it felt, about how much I wished the class would hurry up and be over. The worst part was not physical … What hurt the most was how much I missed what I had been able to do a few short months ago. How impatient and judgmental I felt. How disappointed. I was a little mad at myself for wasting all those weeks not going.. not bothering to stretch, not bothering to protect and honor what I had worked for. Being in a flexible strong body that can move with ease and grace is a gift and I loved it when I had it.. but maybe not enough to sustain it.. or maybe it’s just that same old thing of not knowing what you have til it’s gone.
Or maybe my perfectionism wants to ruin a perfectly good yoga class….instead of appreciating the effort and intention it took to get there and do the best I could. To remind myself that it’s called a “practice” for a reason, and that my body has been very very good to me and will soon enough respond with longer more flexible muscles and tendons if I go to class.
Believe me I heard the craziness even while I was in the midst of it. Our teacher John plays very beautiful music, and he knows how to soothe us into each pose bringing attention into the best parts, making it a truly spiritual and moving event..every single time. And I wanted to just let go and be.. with my short ouchy muscles, and achey lower back, and annoyingly yappy mind and all. And finally at the end I found a little bit of quiet. During the lights out Svasana I found what I was looking for. And even a tiny bit of transformation on this Monday night feels like a blessing.
P.S. Perfectionism is a kind of “weight”.. a heavy energy that absolutely weighs you down. In my upcoming 6-week program, “Lighten Up With Spring”, I”ll show you how to release all kinds of weight, every single week. Check out all the details here.. beautiful women are gathering to learn the energies of weight loss and moving out everything heavy with springtime..I’d love you to join us. xox
Andrea Dinardo says
You are enough. You have always been enough. I pray that you see you the way we do. A giving, loving, sharing, caring, brilliant soul. A light that shines so bright. So bright that sometimes you unconsciously dim it from within. Keep writing. Keep sharing. Your honesty inspires us all dearest Lisa. XOXO
Andrea.. you are the “good fairy” of my blog…love your words and of course everyone here can benefit from them. The struggles with “enough-ness” are epic as most women know.. finding peace in whatever ways work and quieting those voices that say otherwise is a process worth engaging in. Thank you for your sweet heart…that yoga mat will see me once again this week, whether I can get my palms on the floor or not. Love to you… Lisa