The writing of the last few days has been maybe the deepest and most personal I have shared to date. And it has reflected a mix of events past and present that are now shaping something into being. And like most births there are moments of the bloody, painful, primal.
I have learned about death, rebirth and how these rhythms shape everything. And I know that when there is struggle, when things feel unbearably immutable, there is only one thing left to do.
Let go. Let it all go. Step aside. The energy of the struggle has taken over and it will not loosen it’s grip, you can’t get there from there.
Space gives grace (love that.. it’s not mine).
Fall to your knees and beg to be released from the insanity.
It’s you that’s in the way.. that relentless attachment to a certain outcome, to something being different, to an insistence that things follow your line of thinking. As you lock into the death grip.. everything stops. Nothing can flow.. your vision so narrowed, your emotional state so whacked out. Nothing good will come of that. Surrender, Dorothy.
At some point this week, after being blinded by a couple of battles that felt deep and ancient, I remember the moment of clarity when I asked myself “When did i get so (expletive) attached to the struggle?” . And really the answer didn’t matter, the ‘why’s never do, but I saw where I got hooked. Where I have often gotten hooked. And we could discuss the history, the traumas, the relationship dynamics that made me vulnerable, but I’d rather not. And honestly it doesn’t matter. Even as a longtime clinically-trained psychotherapist, I knew long ago that it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you respond now.
Today I am celebrating the Death of Struggle that announced itself with the gorgeous Wolf Moon yesterday. The moment where I saw clearly, chose clearly, to let go. Because truly in the struggle I was hemorrhaging energy, draining my power and heart.
So then there were rituals, ceremony, as is my way. I have to bring it into the mystical because that’s where these shifts can happen. In the personal realm, not so much, we are not particularly powerful there. In the mystical something can change on a dime.
We call our power and life force back to us. We break the contract. I find my footing and my clarity and my Divine Identity when I wander back to the vast and symbolic and true. When I can see clearly without the lenses of lack and limitation blinding me.
A woman I love dearly, who has been a powerful guide and way-shower to me, reminded me yesterday that we never know how our blessings come, and that often they come not from where we think they will. We release the attachment to outcome, our job is to allow the flow of how things will come and stay focused on our own vision, our small daily actions, to stay in the creative and inspired. To welcome this not knowing of the how or when or whom.
And of course I know this. I know this. I have known it for a long long time. But the worst part about Struggle is the way it wipes out what I know, what I believe. Instead it binds me securely in the fear and the narrow focus that dictates the fight. The fight has worn me out this week. No joke, it was bad. All internal by the way. Reached a pinnacle, beat it out of me so solidly, the defeat so demoralizing and painful, that only surrender was possible.
Which isn’t true actually… I could have kept fighting. As could you. But as the good-girl spiritual seeker that I have long been, I know when I am beat, still trust myself to get the lesson sooner than later.
Calling all Angels…
The song by K.D. Lang and Jane Siberry that has been playing for almost 3 days, over and over and over. The soundtrack to my surrender, to my release, to my relief, to my recentering and remembering of how it all works.
I saw clients all day yesterday. And in this work, I am reminded constantly through this sacred work, what my own themes are that need tending. Because in case I forget, i will hear it again and again through the words of my beautiful clients. Their struggles, their battles, their refusal to surrender, I heard over and over yesterday.
And because I am seasoned and attuned and because I love them dearly, I am able to provide guidance that helps, that brings the relief and the clarity. But as I speak that guidance, I also know it is for me, and that humbles me, but only always.
As I remind my last client of the day to stay in her body, to stay in sensation, to stop the scanning and analyzing of her truly depleted hyper alert mind, I know she is a mirror in this moment That we both need to stay in the beauty, in the tiny but relatively simple choices of each moment. Like following breadcrumbs. Keep it small. Make it beautiful, feel into it.
“Calling all Angels, walk me through this one, don’t leave me alone.”
Ready to let go? To make space for what could be for you instead? To create anew in 2018? Just send me a note on my Contact page and I will be back with you immediately.
All love to you~
Maureen Clancy says
I love this.
So glad, thank you xo
beautiful, deep truths in there. thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much for reading Jill.. appreciated.. love to you x lisa