Truth telling.. always my path, even the ugly and the dark. The piece of writing below.. is dark.. not for everyone. There is pain, and there is letting it show, in writing.
This writing, always my window of transformation, and now especially as Mother Nature continues her relentless universal transformation into our experience.
The main commitment I make to this new year, my pledge, what wants to become sacred promise is to write daily.. to complete a piece, daily.
This practice has always served me well although I have not done a full year of it other than in journals before. I am doing it this year. I am a writer, I need to write. I am a creator and need a reliable way to create. And I want to see what might happen, what might change, what might come. I run fairly hot, intensity is part of my makeup for better or worse. The writing dances with that, in ways that move lots of energy. And sharing the words.. that part I don’t have a desired outcome for.. other than to express the passion, the knowing, and to show up. That’s it. So.. this is what wanted to be written, partly last night, finished this morning.
Calling All Angels
And in these last days of an already epic year, brutal in its insistence and narrow focus, the battle raged on with no end in sight. Even knowing the destination, knowing surrender was inevitable, yet unable to let go.
Thrashing about, a wild refusal to swim with the tides. Thrown again and again against the rocks, beaten and bloodied, exhausted and limp. Fighting on, for the familiar, comforted by the righteous anger of how it should be and why. Another moment, again seeing the possibility of release, the letting it go, the temptation of floating calm and quiet, letting the River have its way.
But not yet. There was still fight. There was still the possibility of forcing something into form. Trying with everything you had, the battle seductive as always, the desire to master this in your own way, seductive and relentless. Relentless.
Desperate and breathless, letting go for a bit. Trying on the possibility of the other realms, the ones where you sensed sanity might be waiting, peace and balance might be possible. Resting briefly in the lull. But it couldn’t last, wouldn’t hold.
Raging up, gathering all of the force of the past, all of the patterns of the ancestors and this lineage, none of whom knew how to do it either, aggressive and at the mercy of the the fight, you tried again and again. Only to land shattered, weak, gutted again on the rocks trying to catch your breath. All of the unbalanced wounded masculine energies…even with the promise and comfort of the Yin calling you, whispering to you, murmuring to you. It wasn’t time.
And each time it became harder, hearing yourself called equally by the two choices. Knowing which would allow you to move forward, to leave some of this pain behind, finally finally. Still not completely trusting even that which you knew in the deepest places.
Calling all angels. Begging for mercy, for grace, for clarity.
Praying to be relieved from your own insanity, knowing it could not longer work, these dated mechanisms that you knew had long lost their power.
Impotent. Enraged. Deeply tired. Bloody and a bit broken.
Under the moon of the Mother, this full moon rising high high in the sky on this last night of this year of bare truth, the longing to crawl into safe arms.
To allow yourself to give up the fight, to be with what is true and trust the beauty and safety of this. To be held in the knowing, the allowing. To let this wash over you, to choose it, to welcome it. To provide and offer it with your own arms and body. To rest in the frigid night with the Moon Mother illuminating all, what looks stark and yet isn’t. Nourishment is plenty, is in play, is beginning again at the roots to fill in what may have gone missing, what may have been depleted, but isn’t.
Burrow down into the layers, feel the sacred holy arms around you. Know that it is enough, know that those Angels and this Moon hear your prayers, heard the pain of the days that came before, that you are held, loved, seen and that you are ready.