Having long understood that trying to control everything, trying to make everything line up according to my expectations on top of absorbing my parents’ set of rather, um. high expectations..not only made me crazy and miserable but an overeater as well.
I see perfectionism as the addiction that drives the eating, the thoughts about eating.. the good the bad and the ugly wars that feed body hatred.. It’s a big deal, trying to control everything and everyone. And.. it’s not only control in the negative “Off With Their Heads” kind of way.. it can be in a “Fixer/Constantly Giving/Overnurturing/What Can I Do To Help kind of way..Nobody can manage this level of control.
This is the weight. What weighs you down. What drives some to drink and some to eat.
However you slice it, it’s depleting and impossible. It will never work. You will never win. Expectations won’t be met and the hurt, frustration, disappointment, rage, resentments, sense of not being “enough” will eat you alive..pun thoroughly intended.
If you’re still not convinced that this isn’t about food.. I hope this helps a bit. Food is the drug you need to deal with the part of you that is trying to cope via mechanisms that don’t work, that wear you down, that create self hate and helplessness and worse (refer to list above..). You already know this, because you’ve felt it.
I know this territory well. And have seen it in so many of my family members that I could probably write a dissertation on it. In my family it looked like a form of Tourrette’s syndrome (with no offense meant towards people suffering with Tourrettes) in that the controlling, perfectionism voice is unable to stop itself from expressing.. will always offer an opinion about how things could be done just a little bit better/differently.. whatever.. and will believe it in the moment. The need to offer those words and sentiment will feel impossible to resist.. and even if not verbalized, will show up as noise, chatter in one’s mind. Distracting.. judgmental, a kind of disconnection that creates separation and assures unhappiness and glitsches in intimacy. It’s a kind of curse.
The women that come to me know this territory very well. I call it perfectionism which initially doesn’t make sense to them because they see themselves as so “imperfect” as so far from being good-enough in so many ways that I have to explain what I mean by the term. And then… they get it.. completely. And understand that food is sometimes the endgame.. the way to stop the thoughts, the noise, the guilt and shame that often comes with controlling, impossible standards.
Even connecting the dots helps. Then softening the expectations, releasing past “offenses” and coming more and more into present time so you can begin again, always. Moving away from the focus on food, and more towards finding pleasure and fullness and living in your senses and in a practice of love and forgiveness for yourself and those around you. It’s a big shift, but one that you can intuitively feel click in when you’re close to it.
This is an addiction that wants to persist.. wants to whisper more pain-perpetuating things in your ear. And you have to believe that there is a larger consciousness, the one that is always present and connected to the Divine.. that always lives inside of you, that you can draw from whenever you need to, that knows the truth.
For today, see if you can begin to listen for the voice of control. Where does it show up most for you and what is it asking of you? Can you begin to discern what’s unreasonable… because you will need to begin to cultivate a new perspective.. one that reminds you that these standards are not reasonable, not kind, not ones that will create a happy full life.
Turning the perspective around is an essential beginning. I want that for you.
I can help you get started. Contact me for a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation to see if this is the right work for you and to get some immediate feedback around your questions.
With love from my heart to yours..