Mirror Mirror.. And How You Might Relate To the Disney Heroines
I can’t wait to see the new movie “Mirror Mirror” with Julia Roberts that’s being released later this month. I love fairy tales and fables and their messages that fill our culture with certain paradigms, archetypes, and important truths.
The Snow White story has one that I always found particularly poignant and relevant for my clients.. and for me. There is an “Evil Queen”.. a women who is deeply invested in being the most beautiful one “of all”.. you know the story. She checks in with her mirror..often.. to be reassured that indeed she is the most beautiful one of all, until one day the mirror tells her that there is a younger more beautiful one who has now taken her place, her title.
The Evil Queen is unable to bear her feelings of being displaced.. her entire identity rests on being seen a certain way, on retaining and protecting her place at all costs and she goes into a murderous rage, and wants Snow White dead. No ambivalence there, right?
There are other Disney heroines, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty come to mind, where a scorned or narcissistically injured woman seeks to harm or punish the younger, more innocent girl in the story. Hell hath no fury.. as the saying goes.
This piece is not about mother-bashing but I do want to acknowledge that for many of my clients who struggle with food or weight, there is often a similar dynamic in their background. Many mothers are very good at nurturing their daughters and loving them without seeing them as threats to their own needs for love and attention. And unfortunately there are many other mothers who did not get “enough” love and attention or good-enough mothering in their own lives, who believe there may not be enough to go around.
Many of my clients picked up at an early age, that they were never to outshine their mothers. Sometimes they got this message in direct ways, but it was often more subtle. I believe that women with eating and body related issues are sensitives and empaths that are bombarded by others’ emotions.. intruded on by all of the emotional energies they pick up from others without even trying. This makes it hard to take care of oneself, hard to stay focused and know how to be grounded and set good boundaries. It often turns women in to over-nurturers and caretakers because it’s so uncomfortable to FEEL what everyone else is feeling all the time.
Girls and adolescents very much need the “mirroring” of their mothers to reflect back healthy feedback to them. To give them messages of worth and love and approval and help create an internal sense of being whole and lovable in the world. When the mother herself is either depressed and unavailable, or so narcissistically challenged that she sees the daughter as a threat to her own supply of love and attention… it’s going to get complicated.
Thankfully, most of our mothers don’t set woodmen out to murder us in forests, or turn us into scullery-maids in the kitchen… the damage is usually more internalized. But having a mother who saw you as competition or as a threat, or who was too shut down to let you really experience your own beauty and gifts and lovability… creates lasting patterns.
I love having clients do this little piece of writing. Write your own fairy tale. Make it big and bad and epic. Hugely exaggerate and caricature the characters.. make the bad ones really bad, and make the good ones sparkly and innocent and beautiful. Let the playful parts of you free with this and spin the tale of your childhood in true storybook fashion…. with all the trials and tribulations put into symbolic format.. Then, create the beautiful ending you long for. You really do get to rewrite all of this and this is a good way to start. As an adult you get to be the writer and the director and the star.. make it beautiful, make it epic. I want that for you.
Melanie says
Oh to rewrite ones own story and turn into a fairytale… that would be so wonderful. And it is really such a good idea… no need to find excuses for the bad person, no need to analyse things… it’s a story and can be in the past and gone.
admin says
Hi Melanie- What if it was just a fairytale? Poof…new ending.. rewritten. It’s all perspective in the end, and believe me I get how big a shift this takes, having been raised by an impressive Queen myself! Your fairytale could come with photos!! xox Lisa
Nona says
Lisa, outstanding! I know so many women (raising hand myself) who are around my age whose Mothers were so focused on themselves (like the evil queen) that they have never felt worthy or loved. Though it was painful at the time, I can say that knowing that and letting her off the hook for all of my problems in life has been so freeing! Yes, she left me a legacy that needed a serious overhaul, but then again, it’s made me the person I am today and the parent I am today – which I am ever so grateful for. Thank you for doing the work you do!!! XOXO
admin says
Nona.. so happy you liked this.. was a personal post for me and so wasn’t as easy to write, but with the movie coming out and all I felt compelled. It is a legacy but as you said, you can use that to inspire you to create something different and beautiful. Choosing to separate from that identity will absolutely free you.. would love you to write your own fairy tale version of this, Nona! Love to you and thanks for openness here.. Lisa
Angel says
Ok this is really interesting… It’s brought up all sorts of stuff for me about my biological mother not being available for me growing up.. and then about me not being emotionally available for my own daughter (who is now almost 14).
I’m tempted to do the story re-write because this (the struggle with being a better mother to my own daughter) has been just that (a huge struggle) for so long now and I know something need to change, quickly, to start healing this… I do not want this legacy passed on through our family any longer.
The idea of writing the story, though, also terrifies me on some level and I’m not sure why. I’m going to make note of the idea in my OmmWriter so that I can come back to it after some grounding and work around being safe… I really think this is important stuff.
Thanks so much for sharing it!
admin says
Angel…that is interesting..the patterns around what we get and what we are then able to give are so deeply embedded and sometimes we need to get lots of support to love ourselves through making the changes that help us heal beyond where we feel those limits. I would really love to see you do that story rewrite, I think it would be powerful and cleansing and so poignant for you to create something on paper..let yourself play with it without any judgment (this isn’t about being a “good writer”.. I know you know this!). Would love to support you with this if you feel like you want another pair of eyes on the process.. you and I are definitely connected. love to you.. Lisa
amy zellmer says
yes, this is quite interesting. I have never really related to Disney movies and heroines. What does this translate into?! My Super Hero name for myself is Bad Ass Barbarella…… hmmmm…….. something to ponder.
admin says
Amy…well Disney ain’t for everyone..but the themes are pretty archetypal and powerful! Where we feel powerful.. and where we don’t.. are obviously great clues to what we’re made of and where we are most vulnerable. Sometimes the badass parts are in service of the more hidden tender ones…food for thought, pardon the pun! xox Lisa
Marita Rahlenbeck says
What a great idea – to write my own fairy tale. That takes so many creative aspects into play, doesn’t it? Writing, imagination, role playing, wishing, maybe even acting!
Thanks for such a great bit of prose!
Lisa says
Hi Marita- it can be as creative as you want.. but sometimes that word intimidates people so no pressure.. just let the story flow however it wants to! xox Lisa
Melanie says
It’s kind of a sick thought actually, but when I was in grad school and we were talking about the film “Precious” and about sexual abuse of adolescent girls, one of the sub-topics that came up was about when the girls’ mothers knew the abuse was going on – usually at the hands of the girl’s father, the mother’s new husband / the girl’s stepfather, or the mother’s boyfriend – and so the mother turned a blind eye to it, in order to keep her man in the picture. Sometimes the mothers were even jealous of the abused girl, stating, “Well, he never even did that with ME!” I remember feeling appalled and asking the professor, “What the hell do you call that? Snow White syndrome?” Rivalry is a terrible thing when it darkens the mother-daughter relationship; we should never feel a sense of competition between ourselves and our mother, or if we are mothers, between ourselves and our daughters. And mothers should never sacrifice the well-being of their daughters to make themselves feel better.
This also made me think of the book, “The Laws of Power,” and how the #1 law is: “Never outshine the master.” I worked for someone once who fit the Evil Queen archetype; she was completely histrionic and coveted the attention and public admiration that my position carried with it. Long story short, when I had to move on from that job, she stepped in to handle the responsibilities of my position and finally got the attention she so longed for. I felt very much like Snow White during that experience, being chased out of what was familiar and comfortable and forced into the scary forest to find my own way through the darkness toward independence. Looking back, it was a blessing; but it certainly didn’t feel that way at the time!
Lisa says
Melanie..love all of the pieces you’re touching on here.. smarty smart smart! And yes rivalry tends to bring out the worst in everyone in any dynamic.. it implies that there’s a shortage and when we think there’s not enough we will revert to ugly behavior.. but only always. Love the “Laws of Power” reference.. didn’t know that but I was certainly taught ‘never outshine the master’ in many circumstances.. starting at home..it’s a tough one to overcome. Looking at your experience symbolically/archetypally brings great richness to the experience.. why i love these fairytales so..powerful in ways that we really get in a deep way. Thanks for all this.. love, Lisa
Bri Saussy says
I have always loved fairy tales-how simple and elemental they are and how direct they can be in imparting useful and wise teachings to us. The “Mother” in all of her warts and glory is an archetype of particular significance for so many of us-and I appreciate the idea to write our own story, fable, legend playing with that theme!
Lisa says
Thanks Bri..me too.. they cut right to the essential themes and move us on those deep symbolic and dark issues. Love, Lisa
Jessica says
Wow. As I read through this, I felt like you were describing me — “so uncomfortable to feel everyone else’s feelings”! You know, I almost wish the injured moms WOULD be so blatant as to send the woodmen — it would be so much easier for daughters to pick up and rebel against! The subtleties are so much more difficult and insidious. I’m glad you wrote this because one of the main things I want is to do things differently for my daughter. A great therapist once said to me: “my goal is for my kids to be in therapy for issues OTHER than what I’m in therapy for!” 🙂
Lisa says
Hi Jessica…when you are this sensitive it is a challenge but the gifts can be huge once you learn to protect yourself with energetic and relational boundaries so you don’t have to take on unwanted energies from others. Something definitely to explore for you..I’d love you to do some of the writing around this, or just any writing to move out more of the thoughts and feelings, I have found personally and professionally that nothing was more powerful in helping sort these pieces out. Plus, moving them out with a good workout (as you know!) is also helpful, but the writing is different. Great quote from the therapist.. we get to break the pattern.
Love and blessings, Lisa
Megan Potter says
The irony is, that I’ve spent the last few months pondering WHY our culture is so obsessed with Snow White – and I’ve been only looking at it from SW’s point of view. Thank You so helping me to find the magic thread that explains it! I had a wonderful ponder about the Wicked Step Mother on my walk yesterday after reading this. (And, of course I shared it 😉 ).
Yours,
Megan
Lisa says
Hello Beautiful (limitless) Megan! Glad I could shine a little light on this.. I think all of these stories carry such magic.. so much more clout than they let on at the level of entertainment and so much to chew on…Plus, it’s likely that anything our culture hooks into probably has a more archetypal message beneath.. or at least that is what I want to believe.. that we are trying to resolve and master the bigger themes that will heal and free us.. if it’s via big glossy movies.. so be it! love to you- Lisa
Claire says
This is brilliant! I have never thought about things this way before; but it makes total sense. I had an evil father, rather than a wicked step-mother; but I love the thought of writing my story down and creating my perfect ending. It will be a fun and theraputic activity.
Lisa says
Hi Claire..you’re not alone.. so many of us with similar experiences and the writing really is therapeutic.. something about it is more powerful even than talking about it. I am a big fan of writing for moving energy and my last blog post addressed this specifically.. you might like it Thanks for reading.. love and blessings, Lisa
Melanie says
There’s a young adult book called “Fairest of All” that I read last year (I adore young adult books!) that’s the story of Snow White told from the Queen’s perspective. It paints her as a very sympathetic character. Most of the villains don’t see themselves as a villain, just like in “Wicked.”
Lisa says
Great reference thanks so much Melanie! And most characters .. “wicked” or otherwise are not one-dimensional.. and have their own stories, that are often poignant and rich. Would love to read this, going to check it out.. like you I love those stories.xox Lisa
Teresa says
What a great way to look at fairy tales! I’ve never really liked them, overall, the simplistic views, the being saved by some man all the time, but this achetypal thread makes them make so much more sense!
You’ve planted the seed for this fairy tale of me and so it may burble out of me at some time. It definitely won’t happen right away since one of the things I’ve been doing to overcome the tale of my childhood is that I almost never do as I’m told. Given time to not think about it and not work on it is a pretty sure recipe to make it happen.
Love it! Hugs and butterflies,
~Teresa~
Lisa says
Teresa.. laughing at your response and hey.. rebel away, everyone finds their balance their own ways and that’s essential (your Intuitive Body knows best..). But if you do feel called to do the writing, I believe it will be beautiful and powerful for you and would love to know how it turns out. Love to you- Lisa