Has this happened to you? You get honest with yourself about some aspect of your relationship with food.. you make a plan. You’re already a bit scared.. you’ve been here before, and not always kept your promises to yourself. There is fear and doubt here right from the start.. right? You’re hoping you can “handle” the family and social events while protecting the new choices, holding onto new boundaries.
And then someone says it.. often somebody very very close to you. Somebody who has watched you struggle with weight or eating or your not feeling so great in your body pretty closely over the years, right? Or maybe it’s a stranger who knows nothing about you.
Either way, this is extremely personal isn’t it? What we do and don’t choose to feed ourselves. What we decide we need for our health and emotional well being?
One bite won’t hurt you? Really? That sounds like anything but a loving message to me. I’ve had many clients over the years tell me about the times when they tried to take-back their bodies, their well being, their sense of ownership by creating new boundaries and care around food. And these decisions came with some fears.. it was not the first time they’d tried to make changes around eating, not the first time they’d tried eat in ways they felt better about.
Once when a very dear (literally lifelong friend) said something similar to me, one too many times, I said to her “Would you tell a heroin addict that just a little wouldn’t hurt them? Or an alcoholic that one drink was no big deal? Or somebody that quit smoking that having a cigarette wouldn’t hurt them?”. I was angry.
And isn’t it always amazing that when somebody sets a boundary, draws a line in the sand, that somebody close to them will inevitably utter those familiar words.. “oh come on, one bite won’t hurt you”. I have to admit.. when I hear these stories I feel my body chemistry change a bit..
It takes a lot of guts to set a new boundary, to give things up.. especially things that have had an addictive hold. For many of my clients, things like gluten or dairy create real food sensitivities that create unmanageable cravings, and doing without them creates real relief.. living craving and binge free for the first time ever.
From my perspective, when somebody says “one bite won’t hurt you”, it’s meant as a kind of challenge of one kind or another. It’s a test… it’s a setup. It’s an invitation to a power struggle.. almost always. You may disagree, and I accept that. But I have heard the stories for so long and have intuitively “read” the energy quickly and well.. and these are rarely innocent remarks. Sorry, I don’t buy it.
The people that make these remarks are often trying to preserve the status quo.. they want things to stay the same.. at least the balance of power. I have seen and heard stories of sabotage beyond just this kind of comment that I could tell you that would easily illustrate my point if I gave you more of the back story per my clients, or others that I know.
One bite can absolutely hurt you. It goes way beyond what you eat. It is about breaking your promise to yourself. Or about letting somebody take away your power by intruding on your emotional/psychological boundaries. It’s about giving in to emotional/energetic pressure because you don’t know how to hold your center yet. It’s about shame and the ways you will hurt yourself with that.. or tap into feelings of failure and not-good-enough.
Do I care what my clients eat? Not so much. Do I care how they feel about themselves? Passionately. This is about creating strategies and solutions to end the shame and find ways to protect yourself from the behaviors and the relationship dynamics (called boundaries but in ways that you may not have thought of), of holding your center, of living congruently with your values and beliefs..
Want to see what I mean? Schedule your Wise Woman Consultation with me and let’s dig in.. Start with whatever is on your mind.. I will listen and we will create a brand new approach that will work for you.. even as we are still talking! Powerful stuff..
With so much love…
Stuart says
Your words of wisdom, Lisa, hit me like a coup de foudre (thunderbolt). Especially your closing thought, “Do I care what my clients eat? Not so much. Do I care how they feel about themselves? Passionately.” You’ve really nailed this one. No one knows our self as well as our own self, and it’s our responsibility to honor our commitments to ourselves. Yes, people will say “it’s not going to hurt you” … but what do they really know, much less about our commitment to ourself? Granted, they do this for a lot of reasons (boundaries out of control, co-dependency, etc.) but rarely does it come from a place of support. Your wisdom continues to impress the heck out of me.
Lisa says
Stuart.. always appreciate a male perspective over here (and a french phrase or two!!).
It’s true about caring what clients or anyone eats.. it’s all about how anything makes us feel.. if anything we do brings on shame, or guilt, or self-loathing of any kind.. it’s a signal that it’s not a good match.. that’s the IntuitiveBody piece.. we feel it, we know it.. and we can guide ourselves reliably.. we also GET the guidance before we take the action.. We’ve ALL heard the voices say “don’t do it”.. we just think it’s something to rebel against, vs the loving intuitive divine voice of guidance that I believe it is…
I feel so STRONGLY about all of this.. lord…
Love to you, of course.. Lisa
Sammi Johnson says
I can feel your frustration through the screen. I think the comments about “would you say this to a heroine addict…” etc. will help many people truly understand the seemingly harmless comments must stop – thank you for your insight and your passion.
Lisa says
Hey Sammi…passionate more than frustrated.. protective too.. I see so much courage when a client or other women set a heartfelt intention and are “set up” or sabotaged by others’ insecurities and not-so-supportive and very loaded remarks. And at times when women have barely planted the tiny seeds of change.. love and support and being SEEN in real ways really matter. So yeah.. a bit of a soapbox in this post.. but also hopefully to inspire women to find a real support circle and loving team that they can turn to when they are in the midst of big changes!! love to you- Lisa
Jacqueline Fairbrass says
When we are brought up to people please those little words ‘one bite…’ can certainly be huge buttons. I like how you have explored this and given me some ‘food for thought’…teehee! I was most strongly impacted by ‘Breaking your promise to yourself’ … powerful words I will take to heart. Thank you
Lisa says
Jacqueline- so true about the connection to people-pleasing..and as we all know even when it’s partly about the food, the kicker comes when we break the promise to ourself.. it just feels bad. xox Lisa
Julie Geigle says
So interesting that you should write about this because I just finished up with a client for smoke free with hypnosis and the last line in the script is BEWARE – beware of people who will sabotage you, because it’s friends and family. Sad, but true.
Lisa says
Julie.. definitely sad and true..something about seeing people make changes that triggers others into trying to challenge them, or to try to restore homeostasis.. and so we have to have strategies that allow us to protect what is important to us.
Love to you- lisa
Chrisite says
So hard for friends and family to see the impact their words have especially with issues around food and health (or really everything). I do believe they mean well but haven’t really put themselves in the other person’s shoes. I love the visual of “holding your center” it reminded me of tree pose in yoga and the power of just being steady with ourselves no matter which way the wind is blowing.
Lisa says
Christie.. tree pose is my favorite..and a great image for this.. there are always external forces of one kind or another and we can’t change that.. we just have to grow deeper stronger roots and get really clear on what works for us.. what makes us feel strong and well. Love, Lisa
Jessica says
GRRRRRR!!! Like you, “one bite won’t hurt” elicits a visceral reaction from me, too. I can’t stand to hear it said to me or anyone else — it comes from such a weak and needy place in the speaker that it’s totally unbecoming to that person. I’m so glad to see you shed light on this, and to support people who hear it by offering strength and wisdom. xoxo
Lisa says
Jessica..I happen to agree that it’s typically not an innocent occurrence even if it’s not conscious..any time we make a change, and make ourselves “different” we will open ourselves to various forms of attack/challenge/criticism and other unwanted intrusions. It’s the way it is.. and learning how to be true to ourselves, developing that commitment and those skills is what we are being asked to do..right? Love to you, Lisa
Bri Saussy says
Beautiful and awesome Lisa as usual-I think this is one of the most insidious forms of food temptation-but you are so right to point out that it does not come from food-it comes from the people around us.
Lisa says
Bri thank you as always..insidious is the word…it’s very much an interpersonal dynamic..maybe you could create a charm/mojo bag for protection for that.. that would be cool.. deflect that saboteurs.. hmmm. Love you..
Leah Shapiro- Life Activator says
So powerful- but I have come to expect that from you Lisa!
Bringing to mind the drug addict and alcoholic really brings the point home that some food is an addiction.
I’ve experienced trying to stay away from sugar and just having one cupcake that a “thoughtful friend” brought over served to make me want more the next day. I had never thought of it that way with gluten and dairy too.
Lisa says
Leah thank you.. really. For many people it is just like that.. not for everybody I just want to be clear.. not everyone has that kind of chemical/physical reaction or even emotional.. but for those who do real protection and taking our needs seriously is so important..don’t you love those “thoughtful” friends? For me gluten and to a lesser extent dairy are like that.. I just can’t have gluten in my system and life is so much easier without it. A little doesn’t work, the cravings are miserable. Love to you, Lisa