My Sugar Addiction- Some insights
Yes, I have a longstanding sugar addiction and I just gave up sugar. All of it, anything that has a “sweet taste”. I’ve never done this before. No fruit even. A real reset for my hormones, the insulin and leptin and ghrelin, among other things. I’m a little freaked out. I could live on fruit.
Although I’ve wanted to think otherwise for years, I have a problem with sugar. I’ve been able to justify what I thought were smallish amounts of sugar, with occasional forays into….bigger amounts..and back again. I stopped binge eating years ago when I went completely gluten free but sugar has been with me forever and I wasn’t about to give it up. I didn’t want to, didn’t think I needed to, and didn’t believe I could.
I happily resisted all of the sugar detox fads and women on social media loudly loving how fabulous they felt. It felt like another sort of cult to me, and I was not tempted, at all.
And I never thought my sugar consumption was “that bad” (said like a true addict), and was certainly more balanced than so many people I knew (again, the lovable addict). Like all of you I bristle a bit at the word ‘addiction’ particularly when the label applies to me. BTW- I try really hard to not use the word in my sales copy or newsletters because I am afraid you will run screaming onto somebody else’s mailing list or website. We just don’t like thinking about that stuff, denial can be a beautiful thing.
Until it’s not.
I know my body really well. Obsessively well sometimes. I can track my physical and emotional reactions to every little morsel that goes into my mouth. Every bit of puffiness or itchiness, or irritability or difficulty sleeping… I often track to what I ate. It’s become an unappealing little game of skill although with sugar I didn’t care. Wasn’t about to give up one more thing this year or anytime soon. Because also, in case you didn’t know (and because I just love delivering the news absolutely nobody wants to hear) is that giving up sugar means giving up alcohol.
And that wasn’t happening, not this year. My entitlement regarding changes I’ve already made was present via small amounts of tequila many nights a week. I can handle alcohol, it’s not my drug of choice, but there are definitely consequences. More cravings, worse sleep, less beauty in the morning. If you really want to age yourself, drink a lot. It’s true.
And if you’re like me, intuitive enough to know when some big change is going to call you in just the ways you can’t resist even though you really really don’t want to make that change… I knew sugar’s days were numbered. I felt the drumbeats coming closer.
So then my yoga studio that I love and adore and visit most days of the week announced that somebody I love and admire was offering their annual sugar detox this month I knew I was doomed. I wanted to, and boy did I not want to.
I was curious. I started thinking about how my body might change in the 30 days without. I started imagining how radiant I would look, how energized I would feel. I started to notice how hooked I felt on my biggest sugar-related habit (fireballs…those spicy small little hard balls of sugar…that I have eaten for years…that I think of as ….medicinal). The chocolate covered gummies. The tequila. The fruit. Honey in my tea now that it’s getting cold. I was scared but still curious.
Finally of course I caved and signed on.
And the embarrassing part is that I have not done well the first 10 days. (See my update at the bottom, doing really well again! )I was… but then there were circumstances that led to major eating of sugar over the weekend. And a strong sense of having betrayed myself… and the seeing how much sugar and alcohol really do act as depressants in this particular body. I felt bad. I felt mean. I felt exhausted and sick of myself. And I just wanted more.
One thing I have learned that I want to share with you, from my precarious perch back on the sugar cleanse…is that if you are eating “over” something or someone, If you need sugar or alcohol or drugs or massive amounts of online shopping- there is a good chance that the something/someone is not for you at this moment. That you are numbing yourself out so as not to have to feel something or take action about them or about you. And that the addictive strategy you’re using is a signal that something is amiss and that you’ve disconnected.
And you don’t have to act on it right away. But notice. And notice without judgement. Notice with lots of compassion. Don’t act from that moment of self-loathing, good choices rarely come from that and they rarely stick. Take your time. Allow yourself to marinate in the discomfort, the fear of giving up a well established coping mechanism. Let yourself not want to change. If you don’t you’ll never master any of it, you have to allow both sides of the feelings to “have their say” as I am fond of saying.
I believe our brilliance and the truth of our gifts and magnificence… lie beyond our addictive strategies.
And I believe that you have to want something much much more than you want the sugar or whatever your particular thing is. There is something I want more. I have to remind myself of that many times a day but that’s ok.
For me, I knew it was time. I knew I was holding myself back. And after the big changes I’ve made I wanted to be able to connect with the new strengths and the new life I’ve been cultivating.
I’m feeling a bit cranky and headachey. And also focused and determined. Just whipped up an amazing concoction with cacao.
***Update- with help of a daily yoga practice and some incredible new recipes I’m doing really well, and feeling energized and happy. Food really impacts my chemistry, and although am taking it one day at a time, I know I am a more balanced happy person without my drug of choice.
I’d love to hear from you…what gets stirred up for you? Have you given up any significant self-soothing habits lately and how are you doing? I’ll keep you posted. We each need to make the choices that are right for us. Have compassion and patience as you consider the ones that are the best fit for you. Make sure you can reasonably commit to sustaining the choices you make. Breaking our promises to ourselves feels like betrayal and even abandonment. I want better for you. Small steps until you feel ready for more.
Don’t forget, Monday Serving Hours weekly, from 4-7 pm Eastern for those who’ve never experienced Intuitive coaching with me. Email me and we’ll set it up. We’ll talk about whatever you want. No sales talk, promise.
With all love~
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