One of the things I hear my clients struggling with binges and overeating express time and time again is some version of this statement; “I shouldn’t need that”. Or I shouldn’t need so MUCH of it, or STILL need it, or need it so OFTEN.. and on and on. Oh Lord, this really gets to me because I really do get it and feel great compassion for this particular struggle.
Why do we want to give ourselves the bare minimum and even then feel like it’s too much? There seem to be a million varieties of the theme of deprivation and “not enough” that rage within. How do you even know what enough is and when you’ve had it? I think the truth is that you don’t know.. the sense of what is enough is mostly about what you believe should be enough, based on some arbitrary judgment that comes from your disconnection to your heart and your self.
So many wars around what you need and making peace with it in a way that best serves you. I know you know that I am not talking about “needing” more things, or more stuff. Although there are times when that’s perfectly legitimate and there are ways to indulge ourselves that feel balanced and nourishing.
But I am talking more about the need for really essential stuff instead.. attention, nurturing, being seen and being heard in real ways, in respectful ways. Of surrounding yourself with people that can give you those things on a regular reliable basis and learning to feel comfortable in your own skin when you need to ask for any of it..without the judgment. Oh the judgment.
I’ve probably said this before, but I really do believe so much of the “weight” isn’t from any physical piece or exactly what you’re eating or how much… but from the big glass of judgment you’re washing it all down with. That will absolutely put on weight..you intuitively know this, right?
I had two separate conversations with clients last week about how they felt about both wanting and needing more time with me. It’s always tricky marketing my work… personally I believe that for most women with longstanding eating or weight issues, getting clear and moving through it takes some time. And yet I want to give you options, for practical and financial reasons, and also because choices are.. good. So it’s not uncommon for women to want more time with me, to move further along than say a three-month contract allows. And I love that… But with those decisions I hear all of the judgment come up.. “I shouldn’t need more time”, “I should have this all figured out” Or “I must be really f&*$ up if I need this much” or “How can I spend more money on myself when ______ (fill in the blank) is going on”. Sound familiar?
Women are notorious for wanting to put somebody else’s oxygen mask on first, even when they might literally be gasping for air at that moment. Choosing to honor our needs doesn’t come easily.. if you’ve been making yourself wrong for any length of time, if you grew up with a message that you weren’t enough, if you have a brain that slides easily into the groove of over-responsibility and chronic judgment.. this is going to be hard for you.
How do you make peace with having needs without all the judgment? You have to be aware of all the judgment you’re having, just to start. It’s my guess that you’re so acclimated to the level of noisy chattering judgment in your head that you don’t even realize it’s happening nor how poisonous it is.
For today, I want you to start to listen very carefully, in each and every moment if you can. Pretend you’re an anthropologist, simply noticing and collecting data, without interpreting it yet. What are you saying to yourself… listen in, there is so so much judgment going on every second, if I were to guess. You’re not enough, you’re too much, you’re too different, you’re unlovable because (count the ways this one shows up in all it’s mean-spirited forms), and you need too much.
Surrender it all. Notice what’s there and don’t even try to fight it off, slay it to the ground, or make any effort to change it. It is what it is for now. Paradoxically, letting it be, just noticing, staying out of the judgment part can be a big relief. You do not need to “do” anything.. I know this is a novel concept for you. But let it be.
Tiny Guided Meditation to Soothe and Refill You:
This is simple and might feel really good so don’t skip it. Close your eyes and get grounded… soles of feet flat on floor, bare feet especially to let those chakras connect to grounding earth-energy. Just cloooose your weary eyes. I like to put one hand over my heart, and the other on my lower abdomen.. this will bring you more into connection and will intuitively get you to take a deeper fuller breath. Expand your belly and smooth out the inhale, and deepen the exhale. Do this for a few breaths. Imagine that just under your heart center is a little door or window… open it in your mind’s eye and notice the sun lighting up that space. See the light of the sun expand brighter, warmer, bigger as it fills up your heart and extends all through your body, seeing all of your cells light up like little bursts of sunlight. Move it through your body and into your energy field, and into the room. Extend it as far as you can. Feel all of the light force energy fill you up and fill the spaces beyond you. Breathe it in… soak it up. Ahhhhh. Let everything that’s nagging at you dissolve, it’s no match for the light that melts it all away and fills you with such goodness. Let it go… just let it all go. Let everything that is not peace dissolve and drift away in the light.
The way to move most things out is to become very aware and not try to fight them off. Breathe into them, be appreciative for the message around where your energy is hanging out, and then gently move it out with your breath, with writing (you know I am into the “purge” style of journaling… vomit it onto the page and be done with it). You can move energy with movement that feels good, walking, dance, yoga..What’s most important is starting to detach from the swirl and the spiral of the judgments you’re having.. once you step in and latch on with your thinking mind, it will take you down.
What you need is what you need.. some of this is healthy entitlement. Where are you battling your need for something? See if any of the ideas above help you detach enough so that you can release the judgments and the noise.
And as always, I encourage you to give me and my intuitive smarts a whirl during a 20-minute “Illumination Round” .. one sacred conversation that could literally change everything for you. Email me at Lisa at IntuitiveBody dot com and let’s set a time up.
With love from my heart to yours,