I am standing in the river… I smell the clean snow. A mix of profound stillness, but also the birds, the quiet of the river. I am receiving. I am in the peace and clarity of this water, this air, the scent of the Evergreens, the purity of the crisp air. I am not cold.. my temperature adjusts to the water gently flowing by my legs. I am rooted in this flow, in this receiving, I allow the River to bring it to me.
I feel the bliss of knowing it is here, all that I have been dreaming now coming into form. As they come to me, these creations born of me, I see them clearly. I see my true nature first.. my own smile, my own eyes sparkling alive and clear.. I see what is true, I know I am more than well, I am more than safe, I am more than blessed. I am chosen.. Maybe I am chosen to show what rising from the Ashes can look like. What it takes to leave, to lose the familiar and the secure and plunge into the unknown. To show utterly imperfect timing, the perfect lack of readiness, the doing it anyways.
I look more closely and see that the river has a streak of pink running through it. I realize now I am in the river of the yin. The river of this past year, all the urgings back into the yin of the receptivity of the Feminine. Beginning to learn to let others come forward without my orchestration, of the art of consciousness that allows things to flow. I fight it over and over, tangling myself in the weeds in the shallows.. stuck in a corner where the eddies swirl about me, I cannot move.
Now I take a breath, I lift my face to the sky, I feel the sun, I feel the knowing that the rest is illusion, that I am held in the holy the generous the comforting, that if I get caught in the agony it is my own doing. I watch myself artfully create the precise scenarios that take me under again, where I choke on the brackish water, sputtering unable to get a clear breath, unable to see that the River is still flowing, that I can catch the flow in a matter of seconds. I forget, I struggle, the struggle and the panic feeling more natural to me than the effortlessness of floating and allowing.
My favorite dreams have always been of flying. In these dreams I watched myself fly, not horizontally like Superman, but vertically. I watched as I rose above the grass and sidewalks, the parks and people, flew while occasionally showing off a bit, a few loops as I was aware of those below watching me. I can see the dreamscape easily in my mind now, and also feel it in my body. It was thrilling but also peaceful… normal, usual, yet in the dream I was aware that it was after all.. flying. And that I never went all that high, I stayed connected to life below, to some of the familiar but it was spectacular and joyful. I can feel it in my body still.
But the dream that has stayed with me, and the message it brought, was this. I am standing on the grass, in a park. I want to fly, know I am meant to fly, And in that moment I receive the insight or guidance that the stream, the current that will take me aloft, is just next to where I stand. I understand that I only need inch over and that I will be in the flow of this air stream and that I will be lifted and carried, effortlessly. I just have to step into it. And I do as I also understand deeply that it’s always this way… it’s right there, we have to trust that and then be willing to inch over, to leave the place that is holding us earthbound, stuck in our limited vision. That it’s so very close, the place we want, the creations, we just have to feel our way into the current for perfect lift off, over and over again.