Even when in the thick of it, I am fascinated by how our lessons come in. The big ones are more like Initiations I think. We are being brought into a new space, a new energy and way of being and if you’re like me the feedback is swift and sometimes unforgiving when you misstep, just to make sure you get which way you’re meant to go.
The initiations knock me to my knees most of the time. Playing to my biggest fears, gaining momentum, haunting me in the dark. I am astonished by the power of my fears in these moments. So much fear, still. The fears feeling like personal failures, reflections of a character lacking true ‘grit”.. I laugh as I write that part.. such a male (John Wayne association) comes to mind. The healing usually comes from a different place I have found.
I remind myself that the “cracks are how the light gets in”… said Leonard Cohen and other spiritual truth tellers.
And It’s the fear more than what is actually happening that runs us ragged. It’s all a mind fuck, please pardon my language. And in these moments it’s easy to believe in dark forces. I have a few friends with very strong faith, more religious in nature than mine, who believe in what they call The Enemy. And it’s easy to believe that there is a being who lives to create fear, doubt, self loathing and everything that keeps us from sharing our beauty and unique gifts in the world. It makes a certain kind of sense to me that there is a force personally animating my worst fears and most painful beliefs to keep me down, powerless, quiet.
Sometimes it’s easier to believe in an outside malevolent force than it is to see just how stuck and attached I am to my own pitifully limited beliefs that come up over and over, in spite of how much I have sorted them out over the years. Familiar patterns light up over and over, repeat the same brutal lies and distortions, aim at the heart in the same tired ways.
I also know and have seen in all contexts, how these battles heat up just before the release. All of what is trying so hard to hold on, all of the brilliance of the ego pulling out all the stops to try to prevent the breakthrough. The darkness before the dawn, the pattern familiar and yet hard to see and remember, because…darkness.
And in these years that I have walked the earth I have learned there is only so much that works in these moments of being blinded by fear and doubt.
To claim and fall in love with the moment. To look carefully at what is right here right now. Where is there beauty, where is there comfort, where is there love, where is there enough? It’s right here, always, there is at least a kernel of it right here if you can emerge from the hold of the fears even for a second.
Let the looking be simple. Let your heart be open, it’s not hard.
Name the pieces to yourself. Coffee in your favorite mug. Your beautiful playlist coming over the speaker, the sky streaky and striated with pinks and blues like a baby blanket as the sun rises and you alive and awake to see it, again. All the plants, newly watered with a faint clean smell of dirt, life in pots surrounding you with green even during this bitter cold snap. The sound of your small indoor fountain bubbling and adding a bit more moisture to the dry dry air. Knowing that soon there will be your favorite yoga class, with women and music and rituals that you love and that remind you of your true nature. The coral salt lamps adding a bit of soft light to the room. Your dear friend sending you holy words and so much love in a message.
The moment is perfect. It’s perfect, rest into that.
Breathe through whatever else wants your attention, drop your awareness down down down, out of the busy nonsense of the mind, and into your body. Expand your belly and take in a beautiful deep nourishing life giving breath. Such a luxury even this breathing. This body that breathes, that supports and flourishes all on its own intelligence. Thank you Body, thank you Body. Put your hand on your heart, let it rest there until you feel the calming rhythm of your own breath as it moves in and out, over and over. Let it hypnotize and quiet you. Let it remind you that all is well.
For you~most of us need a companion on these kinds of journeys of depth and meaning…If you’d like to meet for about a half hour, a complimentary consultation to get some immediate feedback and to see how I can serve you as you move through the fear and into the beauty, use my Contact page and I’ll be right back to you.
With love to you always,