When you find yourself in cycles of loss, endings, things that take your breath away from the shock of them, the magnitude, and the impact.. how do you find your way back onto the path?
How do you pick yourself up again?
If you’re in you’ve reached midlife, are now in your forties or fifties you’ve likely experienced plenty of loss, plenty of change, and even lost people whom you’ve loved dearly. Many of you already know that my brother Sam, whom I loved deeply, died in June after a nasty swift bout with pancreatic cancer. So I have to qualify my perspective by saying I am still making my way, but there are things I have noticed that I can share with you even as this is all fresh and new.
Here are a few things that help when you are making the transition back from anything that’s broken your heart a little, shaken your confidence in a deep way, or upended your world leaving you feeling like you’re not sure how you’ll ever move forward again.
1. Start small. This seems obvious and yet people tend to do the opposite and dive into things that are just too much when they are recovering from something big. Starting small is manageable, lets you focus on something that won’t make you want to run back for cover.. and is usually the best way to gain any kind of momentum…in ways that feel comfortable and that respect where you are in space and time.
2. Reconnect with the feeling of reverence. There was a week when I read three different newsletters or blogs from three very spiritual women whom I admire, and each of them was saying essentially the same thing (of course..). Try to find the sacred in every little thing. Bless the land you live on, the pool where your exercise class is held, the air conditioner in your bedroom. For me, the easiest place to connect with reverence is outside, surrounded by the beauty of nature. And then I bless the trees, the land, Mother Earth, the orchards next door and the people who tend them, the honeybees.. the list gets long and that’s a good thing because it shifts the energy from something heavy and not so good, to something that reminds me of all the beauty and how sacred it all is, and that we are all of the Divine.. and that quality of reverence changes everything pretty darn fast. A good connection to cultivate no matter how your life is going.. reverence brings you back to loving the life you are in, without wishing for what isn’t there.
3. Make room for the grief or the loss or the transition you are in with boundaries and in specific ways, if possible. I always encourage my clients and others to “let the feelings have their say”…you deserve to have full expression and some of this may be very private when you are feeling more raw. It’s good to get support for whatever you are moving through, but essential to create space for yourself where you don’t have to dampen down the real stuff, the not-so-pretty parts of how much pain you might be in. Privacy and creating a consistent space for this really helps. It might be a time of day that you let it all wash up and over you, with tears and or a journal, or with music that evokes exactly the right vibrational match to what you’re feeling. When you have a regular reliable practice to move the energies, the painful deep and sometimes dark ones.. you will paradoxically feel better.. and have room for the rest of your life to come back to you.
4. You will probably not want to and this may be very hard for some, but if you can find a way to also move not just the emotional energy but your physical body in a regular way, you will feel better. And you will remember what you are made of and that you are alive and the God-force-life energy can flow through you and the pain can flow out of you, and this is a good thing. And if it can be outside.. even better. My daily walks into the hills of my town where the orchards are on these summer mornings have done more for my healing than almost anything else. Life loves life, and seeing the beauty of the world all around me, every day.. is sacred and renewing.
5. Come into present time.. oh this one is hard and yet it will save you. I have heard my beloved teacher Caroline Myss say so many times that in all of her work around who heals and who doesn’t, whether it’s around an illness or a life crisis, that one of the biggest things those that are able to heal have in common is their ability to surrender to coming into the present, and doing what is being asked of them right now.. To attend to the emotional and spiritual and mental pieces that are “burning them alive” right now and to sort those out.
Whatever has happened to us, the loss, the illness, the crisis, it has changed us in ways that are sometimes unimaginable. And we are wobbly and unsure of where we are going and who we will be in the midst of these changes. And that’s part of the kicker of it all. I get it.. oh I absolutely do.
Life changes us all the time. And sometimes it hurts deeply. And there are things that will help and I hope this writing has given you some ideas that, if you are in this place, will help you.
I am in the midst of offering “Love and Service” Sessions in honor of my new project, The Wise Woman Council. I am limiting these to 11 in September, they are complimentary and are extended one-on-one private phone consultation sessions with me. If you are interested in claiming one of the spaces for September, please email me at Lisa at IntuitiveBody dot com.
With love and every blessing…
Bri Saussy says
Lisa, thank you for sharing this vital post-I think its really helpful for anyone who has experienced loss. I especially connect with your advice to reconnect to reverence and to move your body physically. I know that in my own experiences of loss-physical movement and ritual devotions-have seen me through.
Lisa says
Hi Bri- I think the experience of loss, in whatever form is so universal, and getting back in our bodies is one of the biggest pieces that will reorient us and bring us back into some semblance of feeling in the flow again, anchored again, which opens the door for all sorts of good fresh things to flow in. Much love to you.. Lisa
Meg says
Lisa…how amazing that you are in a place to share your lessons…so many don’t talk about the grief or how they are working through it… I am profoundly moved by all you have been through and your gift to the world by sharing
Lisa says
Hi Meg- Thank you.. I think naming these processes is helpful as so many people are experiencing so many huge shifts in their lives right now.. whether financial, or emotional, or personal losses.. it can be disorienting and overwhelming and it helps me to try to see where I can provide some clarity and support. Appreciate your words.. truly. Love, Lisa
Share says
Having lost both of my parents and before that, one of my brothers, I can attest to every single one of your points.
Starting small was the biggest help for me to get through those times. (no pun intended.)
But I really love your second point of reconnecting with reverence. This is vital.
Your words are very grounding to me even now. Much love to you.
Lisa says
Oh Share.. I can relate to so much loss, unfortunately, it changes us in so many ways but also let us bring many gifts into the world through that pain. Somebody told me yesterday that the term or archetype of the “wounded healer” was redundant as our capacity to help heal others actually comes THROUGH our wounds and I have always known this to be true. I don’t know you but I suspect this is true for you in the work you do as well.
Even the word reverence has an energy to it that changes everything..
Thank you for bringing your experiences here.. and much love to you my dear… xox Lisa
Jessica says
Perfect timing, as usual, Lisa. Thanks for your generosity in sharing what you’ve learned from such a painful time in your life. I especially love that you included moving your body as a healing tool — it’s really true, and I’m so glad you brought that out.
Lisa says
Jessica.. smiling as I read your comment.. because knowing what I know about you I am glad that YOU know that I always try to stay in the physical, embodied in addition to the other places. My body saves me in my connection to it, and to my senses, and I so love the work you do in the world. Love to you my friend.. Lisa
Julie Geigle says
I love the part when you say…Let your feelings have their say. I think many times when we are struggling we bury ourselves in the busy-ness of life. If we could just learn to slow down, honor our feelings without judgment our healing process would go much more smoothly. I’ve been learning to ask myself throughout the day…”How am I feeling?” And I allow myself to be present with that feeling. It’s quite a sacred way to be with yourself regardless of circumstance. ♥
Lisa says
Hi Julie..I use that expression a lot.. “letting the feelings have their say” means so many things and for me it also means letting our throat chakras stay clear and open.. let the energies move through, up and out. It can be through reflection but journaling is also powerful for this as it really moves out the energy/emotion/thought from our bodies into a different container (journal) and I have found this to be one of the most powerful tools for my clients.It should be so obvious for us to know what we are feeling but we get distracted, diverted, and sometimes just fall into auto-pilot of ways of reacting that bypass the truth of what’s going on..which costs us so much..And you’re right.. slowing down is an essential part of this.. and that in and of itself can be a challenge to many of us..
I adored your blog this week.. Love to you … Lisa
Inga Deksne says
Thanks Lisa for sharing. Losing our beloved people is always hard and life seems so unfair. I remember when my mum passed away 17 years ago I couldn’t ““let the feelings have their say” because I was expecting my first baby and I didn’t want to affect her with my grief, and long time I thought that life was unfair to me by taking my mum away when I needed her the most, but now I know that my loss has changed me into a stronger person. Thanks for a beautiful post, Lisa.
Lisa says
Inga.. that must have been such an incredibly painful loss during that time…to mix the two events of death and birth that way..there is nothing I can say other than I am sorry and these are hard ways to gain strength, and yet somehow if we are lucky, we do. Love to you, Lisa
Danielle Dowling says
“surrender to coming into the present, and doing what is being asked of them right now.”
Love this statement + love Carolyn Myss.
I believe very much in surrender. Often if I find myself awake at night and ruminating on odds and ends and unable to sleep, I will start repeating in my head “I surrender.” Always works + I am back to sleep in no time.
Lisa says
Hi Danielle.. that’s a great “trick”.. sometimes there is so much energy in a particular word or phrase and I suspect that the word “surrender” is one of them.. I am going to try that when I can’t sleep. When we are stuck in any moment of fussing and fighting in our own minds.. it’s so much harder than after the moment when we just let go and hand it over.. and yet for me I forget this over and over. Love and blessings, Lisa
Erin says
I have recently had to start over again and so agree with starting small. Especially when you don’t feel like doing anything at all!
Lisa says
Erin.. small is beautiful! xox
Amy Zellmer says
Loved this!! I have gone thru so much just in this last year and haven’t really addressed all of these five steps. I keep saying I am going to, but avoid avoid avoid! Thank you for the gentle reminder!
Lisa says
Amy.. can you pick one to start with? Don’t have to do all five.. maybe just pick the one that speaks to you specifically and just do that? If you want a little support, email me and let me know which one you chose and I will email you back. Love to you, Lisa