You’ve heard me talk about creating more functional boundaries for yourself and my clients hear me talk all the time about “protection”. And of taking your needs seriously.
And what this means is to begin to look at the aspects of your life where you are sacrificing yourself, engaging in practices or behaviors or particularly relationships that aren’t feeling so great. Things that you’ve gotten used to, you’ve acclimated to and haven’t necessarily even thought to question.
For example..I’ve been working with a client, in her late 20’s..somebody who is really making use of all of the new perspective and pieces. As we began to work together, she became more conscious overall where the “weight” was in her life.. especially in relationships. She honed in on the lousy ex-boyfriend she’d recently broken up with, the bitchy boss whose managerial style was lacking in most ways, and her relationships with members of her family where she was trying to please individuals in ways that were both impossible and that were costing her.
Then, as if on cue, three friends from her hometown each behaved badly.. really badly, in ways that my newly-evolving client couldn’t (and didn’t want to) ignore.
As she was getting clear on who she was becoming, on her vision for herself, and beginning to separate from the beliefs of who she “thought” she was (mostly beliefs that others’ had projected onto her), these relationships came up for review.
She was paying attention to how she wanted to feel and faced with live-multiple-choice…this is what was in front of her..
(A.)She could try to negotiate new ground rules in the relationships, rules and boundaries that were more respectful, kind, generous. And of course this is ideal.. if you are dealing with people who are capable of such changes.. which oftentimes is a very big “if”.
(B.)She could turn a blind eye, make excuses for them, complain about the way things were or the way they treated her, feel put out, or victimized, or resentful.. or all of the above.
Or (C.) she could recognize that some of these relationships had run their course, and find ways to say goodbye.
As I said, none of these choices is easy. But only choices A or C will result in a kind of weight loss. Choice number B..will keep you stuck and weighed down in the same painful patterns..maybe even turning to food.
Add protective boundaries, create more respectful relationship expectations, clean out the energetic-closet of who is taking up space in your life, your heart, your emotional energy field.. and you will absolutely feel lighter.
You may also feel other things.. changing these patterns challenges you to look at yourself and others differently. To allow yourself to want more.. to want better…and to teach others to interact with you in new ways.
But your energy will soar.. as will your self-esteem and confidence. You will not be drained or weighed-down by relationships and interactions that hurt or diminish or drain the life out of you.
Who is weighing you down? Even asking yourself this question takes guts. Can’t change it if you don’t name it first..Just start there for now.
And…if you want to get more articles and fresh perspective delivered straight to your inbox.. and you already kind of know this goes way beyond food and exercise…please sign up for my newsletter and my ebook gift to you in the right hand corner of this page.
With great love from my heart to yours..
The topic of boundaries and relationships is near and dear to me. It rings true, how important they are. Before we let go of relationships, we have to evaluate, assess, and determine the course best for us. Personally, it takes me a brewing period, sometimes its months other times its almost years, before I make decisions about certain relationships in my life. Timing is everything and the work is in the brewing, at it is for me.
Teryll.. as to me! I write about the boundary piece in relation to weight both in the relatonship aspect and also the energetic aspects.. And yes, I agree , ending relationships should not be done in any kind of impulsive way.. nor was it in the story in this article..These were relationships that had been going on for a long time and behaviors which had gone on for a long time and often when one person is really evolving, some things are just not a good fit anymore.. people outgrow situations. I agree timing is part of it and the willingness to be conscious and really choose.. and to figure out what can and cannot change.. which is not easy.
Love and blessings, Lisa
Jessica M says
It’s me! The client!
I’m so grateful for the opportunity to work with you. You told me you worked quickly and well… you weren’t kidding. The changes I have made in the past 5 months are a commercial for your wisdom and methods. I’m so thankful!!
I was not raised by especially wise folks and I needed some well-placed razor sharp guidance to help me move the crap that was weighing me down. Our work together has been like a “sorting period” for me–what should stay, what should go, what needs to die, and what can then grow in its place. Freeing and exciting.
As for the relationships I closed the door on… all of those folks had historically behaved badly and I knew that our friendships were not sustainable for me as I grew and changed. I made some hard decisions, but I haven’t looked back even once thinking that I made a wrong move. I’m thankful for the quiet spaces that their absences have created.
🙂 mahalo nui loa!
My beautiful brave client who has done so so much work and evolved and made such leaps and bounds in such a short time.. you of course inspired me in so many ways, Jessica! I am as you know grateful to work with you! Getting to work with somebody who is receptive and willing to shift out of dis-comfort zones the way you are, is always a gift. I love our work together and how brightly you are shining.. Much love to you.. Lisa
Who is weighing me down? In recent reflections, I see how harsh I can be – on myself. Being judgmental, harsh, unkind, negative. I don’t treat my friends and family that way – so why do I treat myself that way? Along the way of life, people and circumstances cloud the issue – become extra weight. A boss, a co-worker, a parent, a job loss, a lover, a spouse, a death. We can each come up with a list. When the dust settles, there is the glaring simplicity of “it’s me and you, kid” – and I come back full circle. There’s no time like the present to give myself the love and care, kindness and compassion, acceptance and forgiveness I have expected to find in the world beyond me. It’s an inside job. Time to go to work.
Patti.. yes. You already know, see, and I would say to also beware of any judgment you’re holding towards yourself about this.. about why you’re not more loving/caring toward yourself. These are patterns that you’ve been holding for a long time.. we shift them in the moment, when we can see them, and then gently. One at a time. Go easy with it..that’s where it will feel the best and where the changes will feel true for you.. With love to you… Lisa