I’ve learned to recognize the clients who will succeed and overcome emotional eating or weight issues.. As with most things..words are cheap, and action is everything.
Before I interview a prospective client to see if they are a good fit for my programs and for me, I have them fill out a questionnaire- The “readiness evaluation”. It’s got several questions that let me know where they’re struggling with their bodies and eating and how close they are to being ready to do something about it.
And if I bet on their answers as to who would be ready and who would not, I would be wrong.. almost always.
When I get these questionnaires back,as they are describing in poignant detail the pain they are in, the various ways these issues are diminishing their sense of worth and more.. the women tell me they “will do anything”, that “persistence is their middle name”, that they are “willing to do whatever it takes”.. you get the idea. And I think that when they write those passionate statements, they believe them.
And yet. It’s. Just. Not. True.
And in our interviews, while we are talking and I am getting to know them, as they talk earnestly about how much pain they are in, how much the patterns they are battling are costing them, everything in me wants to help. KNOWS how to help. Is already formulating a plan and the ways that will be just right for them.. that will absolutely help. And the connection is there, the rapport is there, they are with me.
Until they aren’t. At that moment when it’s time for them to step up and make the decision to take themselves seriously, take their pain that they have painted so vividly… seriously.. when it’s time to say “yes” to all of this and aligning with everything they have told me about so intimately in their writing and during our in depth conversation on the phone or Skype… they back up.
They are too busy. It’s not a good time. They have to wait for the money. Or after the holidays or __________ fill in the blank here.
Now this is not the kind of work that I can sell somebody, nor would I want to. It’s very personal, very powerful, and it will change most aspects of your life…. how you feel about yourself, your relationships, the ways you let people treat you, how much you allow yourself to want.
This is big work..and not everyone is ready for this.
When working with food/eating/bodies.. it’s about the space you create for yourself inside and out. Desire.. how much are you allowed to want. What will you say “yes” and “no” to.. how much will you allow yourself to have.. how bright can you afford to shine? This is a great big huge deal…just so we’re clear.
And most of the time, when prospective clients get a sense of this, they find excuses not to begin. And I get it.. really I do. They truly are not ready to mix it up. In this case, persistence is NOT their middle name! To position themselves differently in the world, to take those risks.. they can’t quite imagine it. And most of this is not conscious, so they make it about the money, or the timing, or how busy they are.
This next part is so important, beyond this post.. and it’s an essential way to understand some of the ways we behave...
What they say they want and need and believe in are at odds with the choices they make. And when your head and your heart are disconnected, when you are NOT living congruently, you will use addictive strategies (like eating) to cope. And when you are living out of congruence, and what you are not living closely attuned to your values and beliefs in one area, it’s a sure bet that you aren’t in others as well. This is a big topic in why women have to use things like overeating to disconnect in the first place…
And this, for me, can be hard to watch.. because I SEE them. I see the beauty of what they are capable of. I see it so quickly that I am already envisioning the transformation, often before we’ve met. And truthfully, sometimes it hurts a bit.
Until…
The congruent clients show up.. which feels heaven-sent.
These clients are struggling just as much. They also have a lot going on, their pain has gotten their attention. What’s different is that they are taking themselves seriously.
It’s a really different energy. It’s not particularly about desperation, it’s about a deep kind of knowing that it’s time. They can feel it, they don’t want to block out the intuitive sense that what is essential for them is to surrender to what they know they need.. in spite of maybe imperfect timing.. challenging finances, or whatever else may present as roadblocks.. They make a decision, and when that happens, other things move into place.
I’ve seen this happen, so have you.
When you really want something, when you really believe in it… it’s amazing what will make room for you. Right?
And those are the women who despite fears or whatever is going on for them, come in and create something new for themselves. And that is true pleasure.. a beautiful experience.. a partnership that is sacred. The work that I love and adore and have done for decades.. that I am grateful for day in and out.
So…If your heart and intuitivebody are calling to you and you know it’s time.. even if you have some fears (who doesn’t?) you have a couple of choices. 1. Schedule a Wise Woman Consult with me and let’s dive in to what’s top of mind for you. Or, schedule a complimentary Illumination Round to explore the various options available to Work With Me.
Wishing you love and true courage always..
Helen says
Love it, love it, love it! Yes!
You are so right, it’s all about people being in the right mindset and being ready to be helped. That’s the key.
It makes me sad when I see people who could benefit from help, but just aren’t ready to accept it yet. I hope that they will accept it eventually, and in the meantime I bless them & let them go.
Keep up the good work xox
Lisa says
Helen. yes.. me too, and I know that timing is often a bona fide issue but usually it’s more of a limited mindset and a way of holding ourselves back.. in spite of having identified real pain, real needs.. and then either not taking them seriously or being afraid of what taking action might mean (that’s a whole nother story…)
Blessing and letting go is a beautiful position to take.. xox
Dani Ticktin Koplik says
Lisa,
In my work with women, I’ve witnessed the exact same syndrome but in the business arena. It’s amazing how many of us would rather wallow in our own dysfunction or sabotaging ways than invest in the very thing that could help us step into a larger, more fulfilled, more self-respecting space. So, yes it’s letting go but it’s also acknowledging that we deserve what we want and need to fill us up in a more metaphoric and less literal way. You’re doing great work and I hope, with time, even more women will trust themselves and the process.
Lisa says
Hi Dani-so glad to see you “over here”!. We all know that timing and many other variables impact all of this and as providers it can be frustrating when we want to support the potential clients that seek us out.. Investing in change involves trusting a lot of different factors including the process of change itself.. not easy.. Love to you.. xox
Deb Nicholson says
What a terrific post Lisa! As a beneficiary of your soulful support I can only say that sometimes the readiness comes with the right support – for me, I might have backed off or tried any of those tactics, if I wasn’t so certain that you were going to guide and support me through the pain. And you do.
Lisa says
Hi Deb… I so appreciate your feedback here and when the connection is right, as you said, many people will make the leap into faith and begin the work that they have been considering. I am grateful for your faith in me and for the beautiful work we get to do together.. With great love.. Lisa
Jessica says
“…when you are NOT living congruently, you will use addictive strategies (like eating) to cope.”
Can you believe I never thought of it that way? But it’s SO true. Like a lightbulb just went off in my brain, and this will be so helpful to me when I start to feel the “crazies” around my vice(s). What a relief!
But I wanted to mention — maybe the persistence issue is actually backwards. I think the women you see who are NOT yet ready for the change — they ARE being persistent, actually, in maintaining their status quo. They recognize in themselves that persistence to just keep things level and comfortable (even if they’re unhappy). Different way to see it, right?
Lisa says
Hi Jess..I know.. that’s a big one for me too but it’s really the essence of why we hurt ourselves with any substances or behaviors.. to mask the pain of thoughts and feelings that aren’t lining up for us somewhere. It’s a bit of a red herring.And so some of the work around the eating or the weight or whatever somebody comes for, is to find out where the real betrayal is.. where is somebody breaking their own heart.. settling for things that don’t jive..relationships that are seriously compromising or draining. all of those kinds of things.. When we go down to that level.. lots of things shift.. esp compulsive behaviors..
And yes, I agree..we practice and stay with what we are attached to b/c it’s familiar and in it’s own way known.. The devil you know and all that.
Love to you..
Leah Shapiro says
There is so much truth and juicy goodness here!!
I’ve experienced this same thing working with women- they so clearly express their pain and desire to change but then they back away from it and say- “I’ll deal with it latter.” This is when I ask them- “why is it OK to feel so horrible? Why do you tolerate this”
The answer is always that it’s something they are familiar with….what they are used to. It always hurts my heart to hear that this place of pain and discomfort is their normal.
Keep shining Lisa!!
Lisa says
Leah..I think that’s the part that we all experience as providers of services that are meant to support.. it’s hard to hear the conflict.. and we also don’t know what happens after somebody consults with us. We don’t get to hear the end of the story.
When I was in graduate school a million years ago I remember one of my supervisors telling me gently that I would not get to be the one who took everyone to the finish line.. or got to help the people I wanted to, or be the one that everyone chose, etc etc.. I don’t remember her exact words, but I do remember the message. And still.. there are times it’s hard.
And.. then, when the clients who are ready, who do pick you, the angels sing..It’s all a mix..
love to you..
Emmanuelle says
Love it Lisa! I have noticed it too when it comes to life / career coaching. I too have an application process and sometimes from the answers I get they’re ready, and during our conversation it turns out they’re not. And it shows the same way, same excuses: no time, no money.
I am not here to judge, it’s their process and their willingness to step out of their comfort zone and be the actor of their lives, or lack thereof, that is at play. We are all longing for safety, and we use whatever unconscious mechanism we can to stay in that comfort zone.
Lisa says
Emmanuelle..yes.. the application piece helps.. and it’s only a part of the information and exchange. And I have been wrong both ways..And like you.. it’s not about the judging, people are where ever they are and are free to explore what we have or not.
Love and xox
Truth says
I read your blog post and I have debated whether I would reply or whether I would just let it rest. I have decided to share some thoughts with you.
I am one of those people who contacted you, spoke with you, and then ultimately decided not to work with you, and I am offended that you seem to be implying that I will not be successful in my journey or that I made excuses (money, time, etc) because I was somehow was not ready for the process. Your assumptions are false and have the potential to be shaming.
In all honesty, for me, I decided not to work with you because it was a matter of a bad fit of personality. I found you to be a bit too intrusive and I did not feel comfortable speaking to you. I believe that you know a great deal and you are good for the people that you click with, but it is shortsighted to dismiss and diagnose all those who chose not to work with you without taking a moment to reflect on what you bring to the equation. My “no” to you was not unexamined resistance, it was not fear, it was not a predictor of my success or failure. It was my setting a boundary in order to take care of myself. Your blog post does not seem to make any space for the fact that sometimes, personalities just don’t mix, and this does not have one single thing to do with my readiness or willingness to do the work. When I choose partners to assist me on my healing journey, I assess them on a number of levels and ultimately, I chose another path. And it is not yours to speculate about.
Michelle Pippin says
Wow Truth, I hear you loud and clear. However, I’m not sure that Lisa — or any of the people that agreed with her on this post — would speculate that ALL people who choose not to work with them fall into this pattern of truth. But, it IS a pattern worthy of examination. Is it the “truth” for each and every client? Of course not. In fact, I know that Lisa turns away as many clients as she accepts, simply because SHE doesn’t feel like they’re ready or a good fit. She’s in complete integrity there.
Lisa says
Michelle.. yes.. it is one pattern.. and it’s also valid in many cases. My major point was about the people that I see succeed come in with a certain kind of energy, commitment and willingness to face longstanding fears and patterns in a way that they may never have done before.. and that is exciting and beautiful when it happens.Having been in practice for literally 25 years at this point, I should know better than to try to convince somebody when I start to feel some pushback.. but sometimes I really feel like “maybe”… maybe I can shift something for them that will make a big difference. I am still learning.. always.
I would never expect everyone to agree with everything I write.. especially this one..
big love…
Lisa says
Hi “Truth”…I’m glad you weighed in.. I’m sorry to hear that you felt uncomfortable during our contact, whenever that was. Given that you are choosing to comment anonymously I can’t say more about that.
Of course I’m not for everyone.. that’s part of the reason for the forms and the consult.. and of course I may see potential in a relationship and that person may want nothing to do with me. This is big work, and the relationship is the vehicle that either allows it to happen or..not. So it’s essential that somebody trust their own experience about everything and certainly about this kind of decision.
This post is about one aspect of this process and this kind of writing does allow for speculation among other things.. this isn’t a scientific article and doesn’t pretend to be.. it’s my experience, my viewpoint. My reflections on my own role in my work are deeply personal,although that wasn’t the focus of this particular piece.. but I take my role and impact in all of my relationships, professional and otherwise to heart.
I do hope you found what you were looking for..there are many wonderful programs and practitioners out there, as you know.
With thanks..
Michelle Pippin says
Lisa, I completely agree! Except, I would say that their middle name IS Persistence! They are choosing to PERSIST in their current way of living, eating, thinking, relating… rather than create the change they want and need! GREAT post. xox
Lisa says
Hi Michelle.. Now don’t mince words here..I think you and Jessica are making similar points! I think timing can be everything.. among other things..getting ready to make BIG changes is a BIG deal.. and I get that..
Much love..
Chrisite says
Lisa, I love you for this post, because it so resonates with everything I’ve experienced with my clients as a designer and now as teacher, and with the decision I make for myself in life overall. Thank you, thank you.
Lisa says
Hey Christie.. I am loving you this month as I get to know more about you and your talent and your heart…But as we all know.. it’s the nature of the beast and we all experience the frustrations around these dynamics..As a fourth generation entrepreneuer on one side and 3rd on the other..I’ve heard these stories for years and years..
love to you my friend..
Amanda Krill says
As usual, you are right on the money. This exact thing happens with many of my clients – they aren’t as ready for change as they think they are.
Timing is everything. For real change to happen, it has to be time – and the person who has to do the change has to deeply, inherently know that it’s time – they just need us to facilitate it.
Lisa says
Thank you Amanda.. seriously.. you know more than anyone what the ins and outs of my business can look like. And yes to everything you are saying, and to what I said.. and also to what “Truth” said below that sometimes it’s not a good match.. which is essential for somebody being ready to take the leap..
But change is always a big deal.. and there is always that moment of truth..and I don’t know if we ever get used to the moment when we’ve seen the possibilities and our creative selves are already cooking up the new vision.. and it doesn’t get to move into the cocreative next step.. Which is why when it DOES.. it’s a gift and everything lights up.
love you always…
Jacqueline Fairbrass says
Beautiful. When the time is right, the teacher appears. Until then, we take steps and peek at what we might do. Resonates both as a Coach professionally and as a human being doing the best through life. Great post!
Lisa says
Jacqueline.. yes. exploring is part of the process for sure and this was addressing one aspect of what we as providers experience in the situations that are right place/right time/right match.. and not. Love to you..